Scratch all damn plans.  This is just too much.  My conflicted trying to conceive brain just can’t handle the pressure.  There is a huge difference between planning in your mind {or on a blog} and actually carrying out the plan in action.  They say if you can’t handle the heat, then get out the kitchen.  Consider this post my curtain call.

In my last post, I mentioned that we were going to try Deanna’s Plan minus the OPK’s.  But in true form, I kept second guessing whether I made the right choice to nix the OPK’s and if I should just run out to the nearest drug store and buy a pack.

On a whim, we went to Target yesterday and found ourselves in that aisle.

Me: Should we purchase a pack?
DH: I don’t know.  You want to?
Me: It’s up to you.
DH: What do you mean it’s up to me?  You’re the one who has to use them.

{Obviously not what I wanted to hear}

Me: So what if I’m the one who has to physically use them, you’re in this with me.
DH: Well, which one should we get?
Me: You know what, this is too overwhelming.  Can we just leave?  I need to get out this aisle.

Now of course I knew which OPK would be the best to purchase, but in that moment, I felt suffocated.  I’m just not ready to make that big leap into turning baby making into a science.  This is not to say that there’s anything wrong with that, and I know some women don’t have a choice.  Maybe one day I will feel differently, but for now, I just want to make love with my husband when *I* want to, not because some chart says I should in order to increase our chances of sperm meets egg.

And please don’t get me wrong or take what I’m about to say out of context because hubby has been patient and supportive throughout this entire ordeal.  Even with that being acknowledged, I’m struggling with the concept that I’m the one who has to make these huge choices, because ultimately, whether the outcome is good or bad- it physically falls on me.  We experienced a loss together, but physically, I went through the ectopic pregnancy.  Mentally, I had to decide what physical route would be chosen to end the pregnancy.  Physically, I was on bed rest waiting and preparing for the unknown.  Physically, I had to be prodded and poked for 3 months while a non viable pregnancy clung on for dear life in my body.  Mentally, I’m obsessing over the best physical plans to have another pregnancy that will give us our take-home baby while I’m still grieving the baby we loss.

This hyper planning version of trying to conceive feels as though we’re trying to force something.  Maybe one day we will get to the point where we want to use OPK’s, temp daily, and examine my cervical mucus, and if/when that day comes, we’ll embrace it.  We may even get to a point where we need to have medical help to get pregnant.  Who knows?  If that’s a bridge we must cross, we’ll deal with it when we get there.  But for now, I’m a trying to conceive drop out and I’m just going to let nature and God decide our fertility fate.

Now, let’s see how I feel tomorrow…

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